Relationships

Staying When You Feel Like Quitting

2011-12-15T02:55:00.000-08:00

Love...keeps going to the end. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

“In every relationship there are times when it seems it would be easier to quit than to hang in”

When Ed and Alice went for marriage counselling the therapist asked Alice, 'What first attracted you to Ed?' She replied, 'His strong, silent temperament.' The counsellor continued, 'So why do you want a divorce?' Alice answered, 'His strong, silent temperament!'

Sometimes what drew us together ends up a major irritant. In every relationship there are times when it seems it would be easier to quit than to hang in. But short of physical and emotional abuse, there are advantages to working through your issues. For example, there are:

1) Emotional benefits

Contrary to what Hollywood's culture would have us believe, divorced people are more likely to feel depressed due to loneliness. In fact, many say although there were disagreements in the relationship, they miss having somebody to come home to.

2) Health benefits

Emotional stress leads to physical problems, and being in a relationship, especially a good marriage, can be beneficial for your health. It's like having your own nurse or therapist.

3) Community benefits

What your kids see influences their future choices. Staying in your marriage teaches them how to work through relationship challenges. Couples with strong marriages are helping to build a nation of loving, responsible parents who can guide their children onto the right track. 'Love...keeps going to the end.'

Author Christy Scannell says, 'When [my husband and I] got married, we agreed it was for life...Weeks before our wedding we made a pact to work out whatever problems came our way...Yes, we fight. We accuse. We toss barbs...but we will NOT be moving out or filing papers...whatever happens we're staying.'

Culled from TWFT

Things That Irritate Me

2011-11-16T03:19:00.001-08:00

I get easily irritated at times, and funny the things that irritate me could be classed as trivial - that is, minor. The truth is, once I let them out you might view me as 'duh, why should those irritate you?' but they do anyway. It just goes to show that I'm a unique being *wink wink*.

Some months back I sat in a public bus on my way home, then I heard a guy, who sat behind me, make some sound with his mouth - teeth and tongue. The kind some people make when they are trying to remove a left over food or dirt from their teeth. The bad thing is, he didn't stop once, he made the sound till he alighted from the bus. Kai, I was pissed!

Still in the same bus, someone was listening to a sport commentary on his phone. He put the phone on speaker and on the highest volume, as if the rest of us were interested in the boring tale. I wonder how he forgot that earphones are made for moments such as those.... How I almost shouted at him. The odd thing was that he hissed at the comments he didn't agree with. *miffed*.

Yet another annoying character was that of a lady who was receiving a call in the same bus and was shouting at the top of her voice as if the person at the receiving end had some Tympanic membrane issues. I was very angry! I had just closed - feeling tired and stressed - and would have loved to ride home in quietness and peace; but I guess that would just not be. I kept my cool though, and pretended as if those things were not going on. This helped because before long, they didn't matter to me. I'd forgotten they were going on by the time I alighted from the bus.

Now this is a scenario of my typical work days. I close from work, seeking some quietness and an opportunity to meditate on my way home, but no - the opposite is what I get. Those are some of the things that put me off.

A big one is the issue of having to sleep around someone that snores. Hmmm. Big issue. A friend recently shared a principle with me that in case I marry someone that snores, rather than complain or nag - because they mostly don't change - I should learn how to snore too, that way we'll both be snoring, it won't be noise to me again, as I'd have gotten used to it.

Usually, I don't sleep a wink anytime I share a room with someone that snores; but one day I did. I was determined to sleep that day no matter how loud the noise. I told myself I won't listen to the noise. I didn't and was relieved the next day when I woke to realise that I slept soundly despite the snores.

Ok so, I have some of these things that irritate me - basically noise or noisy environment because I'm typically attracted to quietness. But now I can confidently say that I'm getting over them. I mean, I don't really count them as irritations as I used to. Mo ti n dagba (maturity is setting in - if you'd like. Lol). I have learnt to overlook some of these things, and guess what? I have peace!!! I now laugh at some of the things that were once irritation to me - though not all - but with time, I'll overcome all.

The point I'm making is, in relationships - marital, work, religious, etc - we deal with people, and since we do, they are bound to annoy us or do things that irritate us. Just as I get irritated by some people's habits; I'm sure some of my habits too irritate some people. It's vice-versa! Someone once told me she doesn't like how I pick on my food. I always look to see if I'll find some kind of dirt or something in my food. Once I find it, I'll bring it and talk and talk about it to the point that people eating beside me may get irritated. Oh, it's a bad habit I know, I know! That's not all, I have several others (I won't share it here); but I'll change (lol).

We all have some things we do that irritate others and things that irritate us in others. I'm getting over mine - gradually - with determination; and I'm letting go of those of mine too. Some marriages break up and some relationships are marred by these trivial irritations. If you don't believe, then watch KUWTK (Keeping Up with the Kardishians - a reality tv program) on E! (for those who have Dstv) every evening by 9pm.

Maybe we could share some of those things that irritate us in others, and how we have dealt with it or how we are coping with it. Someone may find your experience handy. You may even want to share some of your habits you know can irritate or annoy people - so that that prospective someone can watch out or so that you can get advice on how to tackle it.

I'm waiting....

Cheers.

Things that Irritate Me

A True Test of Love

2011-11-14T08:16:00.000-08:00

What is that one thing You Would Sacrifice for Love?

What is that one thing you'd give up for love? Have you ever asked yourself this question? I have asked myself times without number, but the truth is I really couldn't answer that big question. For me, it's a true test of love; for me I think the meaning of love is hidden in that question.

The great book recorded that God's love goes beyond words; His love was expressed - backed up by action 'For God so love the world that He gave (sacrificed, gave up) His only begotten son...' He didn't give goat, neither did he give a cow; He gave a costly gift - the kind of gift that money cannot buy. He gave a part of Himself; He gave His confidant, friend, son and colleague (if I must say). It's costly. No wonder He couldn't stand to watch Him while He (the Son) went through the agony and pain. For me, that's real love.

Sometime last year, a popular radio station in Lagos aired a call-in talk show and the question 'what does love mean to you?' was asked. Several people called in to give their opinions/answers, but one caller's answer really got me. The caller said 'My husband is love. Despite knowing I am HIV positive; he married me all the same. Ten (10) years down the line, we are still happy and he still loves me the way he loved me when we first got married...' Oh wow, that was something. What kind of man is that? you may ask. What did she see in that woman that would make him marry her despite her HIV status? You may even argue that he isn't Nigerian...but he is. He is love...and he is love, and he is true love. Such men are so rare. Knowing well what the risks (stigma, possibility of being infected, not enjoying sex, an early widower, having to maintain the sick wife's health, etc) are; he went with it anyway.

A story was told of a young woman whose husband was diagnosed with a critical case of cancer. It was so terrible that he was deformed, couldn't walk, talk or eat normally. Family and friends adviced her to leave the man, who seemed not to be showing any signs of recovery, for other suitors, especially since age was on her side. She didn't give in to their advice - instead she loved the husband more and more; stood by him all through the period. Although the man finally died; but he died a happy man; he died knowing what true love really meant.

My mum shared a story of a born-again Christian sister who had to marry a staunch unbeliever for reasons best known to her. Years into their marriage, he still has not changed - messing around with other women, drinking and doing all sorts. One day a neighbour's wife came with a report that she was pregnant for this man; and guess what, this born-again sister offered not only to accept the baby, but also beg the woman's husband and take care of the said woman. This got the other woman so afraid that she ran away before giving birth. And according to the story, the born-again sister didn't love her husband less. She was still the same loving, caring wife. Apparently, her actions changed the husband till today. That is still love.

We have also heard of people give up their wealth, education, even forsake their family because of love.

I ask again, what is that one thing you'd sacrifice for love? What costly, priceless gift would you lay down for the one you love?

Please give answers + true life stories/experience; and while we're at it; think of that one person that's worth your costly gift and don't be afraid to extend it to him or her.

Love is beautiful - though it hurts sometimes - it is still worth 'owning'.

Live, love and be loved.

Cheers

To the One You’ll Marry…

2011-10-04T08:52:00.000-07:00

Many waters cannot quench love... Song of Solomon 8:7

I have my specifications, you have yours, but most times they don’t match what we get eventually. And because they don’t, we get angry and conclude God is not being fair.

Whatever will last the test of time doesn’t come in ‘Disney land’ packages. Most times, we get the opposite, if we are patient enough to try it out, we’ll see that God means well. I say: ‘Beauty will fade away, money will fly away, but true love not based on conditions, sex, looks, abilities, wealth, background or man-made specifications will is sure to stick with you even in the grave.

I missed blogging, but I’m back now. Please read on:

“The concept of two people living together for twenty-five years or more without a serious dispute, suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep”

We smile at the cartoon of a husband saying to his wife, 'There you go again, quoting our marriage vows out of context!' Walter Lippmann said, 'The concept of two people living together for twenty-five years or more without a serious dispute, suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep.'

Marriage is God's idea, and it's a good one. But if you are looking for someone who can be everything, you'll be disappointed! When you marry someone you take on their weaknesses as well as their strengths. It's a package deal. By expecting perfection, you're asking for more than either of you are capable of giving. However, when you get into trouble you can count on your partner.

Marriage is having someone to curl up with when the world seems cold, who's as concerned as you are when the children are ill. It's having a hand that keeps checking your brow when you aren't well, and a shoulder to cry on when they lower a loved one into the ground.

“To the one you marry you're saying, 'When my time comes to leave this world, it's your face I want to kiss goodbye”

To the one you marry you're saying, 'When my time comes to leave this world, it's your face I want to kiss goodbye. It's your hand I want to hold as I slip into eternity. I want to look into your eyes and see that I mattered. Not what I looked like, or how much money I made, or even how talented I was. No, I want to look into the eyes of someone who loved me and see that I mattered!' If you've been too busy lately, or just forgetful, take a moment and let your spouse know how much you appreciate them.

Source: TWFT

Sex Matters – Sanctified or Not?

2011-06-24T02:43:00.000-07:00

By Bolanle & Daniel Enang

This article blessed me, and I want it to bless you too…especially ladies. So I share. Enjoy and make comments please…

“Ladies, the way we carry ourselves is very crucial. It spells sexuality or sensuality. When a man walks past us, what runs through his mind? Is it “I want to sleep with her or I’d like to hold her in my life forever?” We exude aromas….”

‘I hate sex”! I blurted out to the bewilderment of my ‘D’ on that Friday night in the midst of our new friends. I had never seen my sweetness look so shocked, embarrassed and humiliated! I am known for my frankness and bluntness; but this was way out of line.......or was it? Was it really?! I didn’t understand why I couldn’t be enraptured away in the moment of sensuality and heightened passion. After all, I had waited and dreamt of ‘this out of this world experience’. I had even taught ladies about sexual matters...what in the world was going on with my body and ability to get it right? What more Lord? I wondered!

I am the same person who a few years earlier was praying that my Lord Jesus and the host of heavens to “would dry every sexual desire in me as I was going to visit” my D” who was my fiancé at that time and had relocated a few years earlier. Honestly I could “chop and clean mouth” o and no one would know. Quite frankly, it was the TEST OF MY FAITH.........I had preached keeping yourself, etc.........but this was my love that I had not seen in two years. I mean handsome, broad shoulders, lean butts, with pink lips (very kissable). I was remembering the smell of his perfume and his deep, quiet, I daresay sexy voice. I couldn’t believe I would see him for 3 weeks in flesh after him being gone for so long. ”Lord, can I do this??” I wanted to grab him at the airport as soon as I laid my eyes on him........my heart ached: Lord, how can you ask me to hold on. To keep the gift of my body wrapped??? Haaa...........Lord!!!!!!!

Babes, especially Christian chicks are caught in a dichotomy of the awesome embodiment of the concept of sexual experience. Sexuality connotes different things: sex, love making, f....!. How on earth can you use Sanctified with such a word?? A hot sizzling p....zy isn’t thinking sanctification? Really, you think so?? Are you sensual or sexual?! (Gist of another day).

Pillar One: No one has the right to go down there without owning the meter! That ‘meter’ is bought with a price. I once heard this: “ko si meter ni bee’ (means there is no meter in the vagina. SANCTIFIED SEXUALITY applies to everyone who desires to hold their temples in awe and sacredness unto the Lord and for their husband. A price that is absolutely priceless. It cannot be bought with money, gifts, trips abroad, diamonds, rubies, pearls, airtime (I mean, really, airtime?? Come on!) So chick, tell me what is your price? I hear some saying; “puleeaasee!! At least someone’s been down there and unlocked it. I am sure he is constantly servicing it...abeg make me sef enjoy the thing.” Hmnn...I WAITED NOT BECAUSE MY SEX TANK WAS DRY AND UNINTERESTED! GOD DID KEEP ME....I didn’t sleep with him. I asked for help and He helped me. I had my struggle with the kissing matter! Yes, we all struggle with something but we can and do overcome!!

MYTH: There are no virgins left on earth....just do it and get on with it.

Pillar Two: Ladies, the way we carry ourselves is very crucial. It spells sexuality or sensuality. When a man walks past us, what runs through his mind? Is it “I want to sleep with her or I’d like to hold her in my life forever?” We exude aromas...consciously or unconsciously. Our poises, the look, the walk, clothes, speech, pitch; everything speaks! It is called Considered-Dressing.”

MYTH: The experience of sex is only a copulating of genitals: penis and vagina.

“Sex is good; it’s better with the right person BUT best served at the right time...MARRIAGE! Full stop!”

Pillar Three: My friend calls our sex organs ‘THE ROD OF CORRECTION” and ‘WET TUNNEL’! I remember the first time I stepped out in my “birth suit’ into my wedding room....hmmm (gist). My body had been shaking....literally, expecting this day from the moment I had my first crush as a twelve year old pretty girl who was being chased by the HOTTEST boy on my street. (Yes o....holy sister B!!) Only grace can uphold your buckling knees in such situations. Scriptures says we are saved by grace. Sex is a big deal! I mean guys actually grow hard merely looking at a girl. I mean, how did the pregnant mad woman come about?.....rod entered tunnel na!

We hear and see the sex around and it feels like there is no reason to wait for the prince charming. Did someone hiss at the word WAIT?! Yes, wait I can hear a chick saying, “you who waited for 29 years for sex...cheap common sex, how did it benefit you? Big deal! Sex is for perverts. There is nothing godly about it. Once I have done it, it’s over.” On my wedding night, when I saw his “ROD OF CORRECTION” I almost passed out. Yee? God this is not what we discussed o....and you can imagine the drama..! Now I am loving it. (Lol)

Pillar Four: Our bodies are truly beautifully crafted. We are wrapped gifts. We are delicate and need to be unwrapped with skill and patience. Who told us that the first taste of the pudding determines the entire meal? Love making is a rare gift that is served on a platter that tastes differently for each of us. I daresay, our bodies are like wine that tastes better after each sip. Babe, why are you allowing the bar tender to sip away at you? He is not the owner of this bar. He cannot pay for the metre; talk less of this ageless wine.

Sex is good; it’s better with the right person BUT best served at the right time...MARRIAGE! Full stop!!

Listen, it is worth the wait. Salivating leads us into trouble. You say, “I cannot but salivate when this baddest looking bobo walks past with his cologne trailing my nostrils”. Babe, if he is yours, he’ll stop and properly converse with you. Dating is for discourse NOT intercourse. Our anatomy depicts our two legs representing the pillars that keep the wrong man away. Close your legs. With buckling knees, stand up tall and walk past with your head high. Why settle for the bar tender who is trying to bribe his way into the tunnel when the real owner is a knock away?

Sex is awesome! I didn’t find out on the first night...but after a few rampages with my D....wow!!! I make my demands now o.....I tell him, you can’t be tired. When he is sweating and tired.....omo.....I just start o! This calabar woman needs to “WORSHIP with her body.” The myth that tells us to taste the pudding before the meal starts so we’d know whether or not it is sweet does not hold true.

What if you’ve been sexually active?

Yes, I hear you say you have been sexually active since you can remember and you don’t see a way out.

1. Place value on your body. A rumpled N1000 is still worth every kobo of One Thousand Naira. The point is will you allow this N1000 be torn, used and thrown away? What are you saying to yourself? Babe, what is your worth??

2. Can you be “naked but not ashamed” before another “sister whose got your back”? Can you be accountable to another?

3. Trust God! God has your back and can hold you from going back to “his” bed. God is still in the business of keeping our bodies sanctified.

According to D (Daniel’s writing)

* Confidence: I believe guys are attracted to confident ladies – Confidence comes from preparation; knowing who you are in God - being aware of your distinctive assets: looks, how you speak, boldness, kindness, etc. These assets make you stand out and irresistible. Men naturally gravitate towards the confident woman. Your asset is your swagger!

* Truthfulness and Sincerity: Guys tend to suspect chicks. No matter how holy or sanctified you are, he is expecting to see an element of falsehood. Your catch is speak the truth, live the truth and be sincere even when it hurts you. No man wants to lose such babes.

* She knows what she wants and does not need anyone to validate her person – Nothing is as attractive as a babe who knows what she wants in any situation; especially when she communicates this with a sense of assertiveness and not arrogance.

* Guys desire a woman that can say NO! .....This is the mother of all attractions. When a chick says no to a brother, it makes him want to push further. This stirs up his hunting instincts.

* State your turn on – Those in relationship should be honest enough with their partners to let them know what turns them on, so that he learns not to touch you in those places. For some, a mere touching of the feet by the opposite sex drives them crazy! What’s your turn on? We are not talking second or third base here (those are out of bounds!!!) that kind of info is for your husband; lest you be taken advantage of.

My dear sisters, you’ve heard it. The lady who desires to walk in sanctification should pay attention to these things. Keep the guys waiting for the unravelling of the mystery of your temple (your body and the wet tunnel). Look forward to the ‘solid rock’ when he gives you the bling bling...rings (wedding not only engagement ring). Omo, no ringie, no dingie o! Hebrews 13 v 4!!!!!

Interesting…

Contract Dating/Marriage: Penning the Terms of Agreement

2011-06-17T03:33:00.000-07:00

Wow...it's been like since forever that I posted something on this blog; anyway, it's just been 2 terrific months. Terrific because it's been beautiful - I had the most amazing birthday ever... in may; and it's also been....you know. Well, I'm not complaining. I, in fact, have every reason to say thank You God.

Enough of me already...Back to the business of the day.

Now marriage is an agreement between 2 people. But some believe there is more to it. I have heard of contract marriages/relationships; and I've seen 1 couple practice it, but really, I've neither come across what the terms of agreement actually look like nor do I know what the people involved feel for each other. Now, contract marriage is not totally western; some Nigerians practice it (I know one). However, I'm a bit curious: was it love that brought them together in the first place? If not, will they eventually fall in love? If not, how will the contract end?

Well the focus here is on the terms - spelt out and written down.

One of my nerdy friends sent me an example of how some terms of agreements look like. She got it off a blog authored by Kelvin Igbodo (a Nigerian blogger). Find the written terms below.

I need comments please. Let's hear what you think about it; would you practice such? If not, what do you have against it?
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The dating rules

It is common knowledge that the most ignored part of most negotiations is the 'Terms of Agreements', especially if it is almost 10 pages long (which is mostly the case). Many partnerships have failed, businesses have crashed and people have felt cheated all because they didn't have the patience to read through 10 paged small print of legal jargon.

Every business, transaction or interaction between two people normally has terms that bind the parties involved once they agree.

So I was thinking, it won't be a bad idea to have a terms-of-agreement for dating, signed by both parties before they embark on the relationship. Remember that verbal agreements hold no water so this will be typed out and signed by both parties.

Feel free to download and use after reading.

DATING TERMS OF AGREEMENT BETWEEN _________ and ___________ dated this _____ day of______ 2___

His part:

1. I am the man in this relationship, whether I wear pants, boxers or G-string, I am still the man and should be treated as such.

2. I shall NOT be compared to any other man living or dead, especially your ex.

3. I am your boyfriend NOT your father, so he is responsible for bringing you up and maintaining you. I am responsible for bringing 'me' up and maintaining yours.

4. I love you BUT I love my boys too so do NOT interrupt when you see me with them, it falls hand.

5. Never ask me where I am at 10pm, I will lie or talk nonsense.

6. You see me with any girl, let your default thought be "oh wow! A new sister"

7. Do NOT discuss our sex life (if existent) with your friends except you're suggesting a threesome

8. Movies, recharge cards, lunch and all that fun shall last 3 weeks into the relationship; after that we will buy N150 DVD, make our own chicken, etc

9. You will NOT move more than 4 articles of clothing to my room/house.

10. In the event of arguments, do NOT smash any of my plates or ornaments. Walahi, you will pay for them o!

11. Because I have a car doesn't make me YOUR driver, and the front seat isn't your right, get over yourself!

12. You cannot have more than 10 male BBM contacts, 5 must be from your family, 4 from your church, then I.

13. Don't EVER be fooled, girls DON'T run the world! Except the world is a synonym for kitchen.

14. We are dating. This is NOT marriage; we will NEVER wear the same cloth material.

15. Money will be given to you as I deem necessary, I do NOT work in a bank; even if I do, it is my money.

16. If u want to give me a nickname, names like Stud, The Rock, ChuckNorris etc are cool, NEVER! I repeat NEVER call me your TeleTubby or ChubbyWobby...

17. If by mistake you ever catch me on top of or underneath another woman, don't break the flow, wait till I'm done then verbally attack.

Her part:

1. I am the Woman, I am NOT weak in sex or any other thing, don't make me prove it.

2. In every argument, I have the LAST word, whatever else you say will start a new one apart from 'Yes Dear!'

3. Whatever you did while toasting me, you better make sure you continue because face it, there are others waiting to get on this bus!

4. I will cook when I'm hungry, you will buy us take-away when you are hungry.

5. If/when I come to your house for the weekend, the remote is mine and we will 'do' if I feel like 'doing'

6. Bags, BIS, Brazilian hair, etc, are your responsibility...prove you can take care of me.

7. NEVER take any of my friends out

8. In the club, you dance with only me or any of my ugly, harmless friends I send your way cos I wanna grind some hot guy.

9. When I ask you 'how I look?" Any answer apart from "beautiful" might make you lose me

10. I'm a late comer, NEVER on time.

11. If you do NOT use my/our picture on your BBM DP at least 4 times in a week, it’s over!

12. What is yours is mine, what is mine is mine!

13. If you invite your friends over without telling me, prepare to attend to them.

I have read and hereby agree to these terms of agreement...bla bla bla...

Signed

_______________ and. ________________

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Waiting to read from you....

25 Tips on How to Stay Married

2011-04-18T02:41:00.000-07:00

1. Always put her first - before work, friends, even basketball. Act as if she's the best thing that ever happened to you, because we all know she is. (Same goes for ladies)

2. Keep no secrets. Pool your money. Allow nothing and no one to come between you.

3. Pick your fights with care. Play fair. Show some class. Hurtful words can be forgiven, but they are hard to forget.

4. Fall in love again every day. Kiss her in taxis. Flirt with her at parties. Tell her she is beautiful. Then tell her again. (Hmmmmmmm)

5. Never miss an anniversary or a birthday or a chance to make a memory. Memories may not seem important now, but one day they will be gold. (Guys, note!)

6. Never give her a practical gift. If she really wants a Shop-Vac, let her pick it out herself. (I’m not to sure ‘bout this).

7. Go to church together, and pray every day for each other and your marriage.

8. Pay your bills on time and make sure you each have a living will, a durable power of attorney and life insurance, lest, God forbid, you need them.

9. Love her parents as your own, but do not ask them for money. Never criticise her family or friends. On her birthday, send flowers to her mother with a note saying, "Thank you for giving birth to the love of my life."

10. Always listen to her heart; if you are wrong, say you are sorry; if you are right, and shut up. (Same goes for ladies)

11. Do not half-tie the knot; plan to stay married forever. (Hmmm… No Contract!)

12. Never go to bed mad; talk until you are over it, or you forget why you were mad.

13. Laugh together a lot. If you can laugh at yourselves, you will have plenty to laugh about.

14. Never criticise, correct or interrupt her in public; try not to do it in private either.

15. Remember that people are the least lovable when they are most in need of love.

16. Never fall for the myth of perfectionism; it's a lie.

17. When you don't like each other, remember that you love each other; pray for the "good days" to return and they will.

18. Tell the truth, only the truth, with great kindness.

19. Kiss at least 10 seconds a day, all at once or spread out. (I didn’t read this…lol)

20. Memorise all her favourite things and amaze her with how very well you know her.

21. Examine your relationship as often as you change the oil in your car; keep steering it on a path you both want it to go. (Interesting)

22. Be content with what you have materially, honest about where you are emotionally, and never stop growing spiritually. (Essential!)

23. Never raise your voice unless you are on fire. Whisper when you argue. (Useful tip)

24. Be both friends and lovers; in a blackout, light a candle, then make your own sparks. (Hmmm. Like this part)

25. Finally, be an interesting person, lead your own life. But always save your best for each other. In the end, you will know you were better together than you ever could've been apart.

Shared/ submitted by my naughtiest and best friend. I hope she won’t read this part…*wink*

Are You Getting married? Then Take this Quiz

2011-04-12T06:42:00.001-07:00

By Paul Casciato

A British family law firm is urging couples to take a “compatibility quiz” before getting married or deciding to live together.

Bross Bennett’s compatibility test focuses on key questions about finances, family ties, children and aspirations that most couples struggle with and might have to answer anyway if their marriage breaks down and they end up divorcing (we don’t pray for this!).

Partner Ruth Bross compared taking the quiz to the kind of considerations and research an employer might make before hiring someone.

“No one who is truly committed to a relationship will ever mind making the full and frank disclosure that is asked of them; if they do, you might like to ask yourself why,” she said in an emailed statement containing the quiz.

The quiz asks about assets and how each party would like to share them, what kind of relationships they have with their extended family and friends, whether they want children, their religious views, spending habits and career plans:

A copy of the quiz is below:

Finance

- Do you know the extent of each other’s assets? How do you both view the sharing of these assets? Do you have the same attitude to saving?

- Will one of you want to put into a pension what the other wants to put into a new car?

- Will you pool your resources or do you want to keep everything separate? Joint accounts or separate? Will you contribute in proportion to your incomes, or equally?

- Are you going to have to pay off your partner’s debts perhaps from what you thought was going to be the deposit on your house?

Family Ties

- What sort of relationship do you have with your extended family?

- Are they good at staying in touch?

- Are they local? Affectionate? Over-involved? Have you had any major fallings out?

Children

- Do you want children? (Of course African couples want children!) How many?

- How do you want to raise your children? What sort of values do you want to pass on?

- Do you have opposing views about the benefits of state versus private education (not operational in Nigeria) -- and should you be thinking now about buying in a catchment’s area for a good state school? (I’m not sure we have this feature in Nigeria)

Religion

- What are your religious views -- do you agree on what religion you will bring up the children in?

- Church/mosque/synagogue?

- Once a week or once a year?

- Or no religion at all? (Personally, I do not buy this!)

Leisure and fun

- Do you like doing the same things in your spare time?

- Do you share common interests?

- Is your idea of a holiday lying flat on the beach for two weeks and your partner’s rock-climbing? (Do Nigerians have time for such?)

Lifestyle

- What sort of lifestyle are you aiming for?

- Where do you want to live?

- Do either of you have a dream of downsizing at some point and living away from the city? (Live in rural Maiduguri, ko?)

Spending

- Do you have an expensive shoe or gadget habit?

- Does one of you think of a particular purchase as an essential that the other regards as a “discretionary spend”?

- Do you have any other secret addictions: handbags, chocolate, football? (**lying, smoking or drinking?)

- Do you gamble, online or otherwise? (Or watch porn?)

Work

- Are your respective career paths compatible; is either of you going to have to make compromises? Are you prepared to?

- Will you want to give up work when you have children?

- What does your partner think about this and can you manage financially?

- What about part-time working?

Roles – traditional or modern?

- Will you expect to live along traditional lines: woman as homemaker and man as breadwinner? (I still do not believe in full-time ‘house-wifing’)

- Who will organise the finances?

- Will household responsibilities be shared equally? (I hope men will understand this part)

- Who will assume responsibility for paying bills?

Honesty

- Are there any old flames for whom you still hold a candle?

I read somewhere that the courtship period is the interview (examination, observation) period. This quiz (and more) might help you to get to know yourselves. And please be honest when taking it. If you have more; please let’s have it.

Cheers...

Re: Is Marriage Really Scary? An SOS Call

2011-03-18T07:37:00.000-07:00

I wrote this article (http://bukolaajayi.blogspot.com/2011/03/is-marriage-really-scary-sos-call.html) 2 days ago and promised to publish noteworthy comments I get from it so that 1 or 2 couples, presently going through marital hitches, can learn and probably prayerfully work on them. Well, here they are. I kind of highlighted some key points made, and I’m still waiting for more experienced couples to contribute…Help save a marriage. Excerpt:

True Friend said: “Men will always have attitudes that irritate women. Do most of them ever listen? There will always be a loophole where a guy is lacking to his woman.

One of my aunties went through a serious one. In her case, she wanted to leave her marriage because the guy has this nonchalant attitude towards things. He had no job then, she was trying to get the kids to a decent private school, use all her money to feed, maintain, and support her home. She had no savings. She later found out that when the guy gets little money from some business, he hides it. The crazy thing is, he hides it in his shoes. How annoying that can be. She was so frustrated, but I guess that is marriage. That is from a woman's point of view.

From the man side, I will add my experience. I am a strong, independent lady. I see myself as not needing a man to get to where I am going. I wait for no man. My focus is on God. I always tell myself only God can provide for me. I am so independent that it irritates many men. This makes my boyfriend angry. He feels I am so self centred, so selfish and no traces of humility. I understand that and I try to change but when we fight....... oh my God, my weakness wears me, and I feel I don't need him to do what I need to do. My question is how long he can take this. Will he not wake up one day and say “I am tired of your selfish attitude."?

My point is we are all different; we all have bad attitudes that turn people off. We tend to notice the good attitude initially, but because characters are like flames one cannot hide for so long. We need to know that our partners may have something we don't like. That doesn't mean we will leave him. Our siblings do things that annoy us; do we reject them for that? Our parents sometimes make us want to run away from home, does that mean we will abandon them?

Marriage is more that sex and having children. It is about growing together, understand one another, respecting each other, seeing beyond the weakness and hoping for a better and brighter day. Christ loves us regardless of our faults; we should love most especially our partner regardless.

To the women, I will say hang in there, you will see the joy in taking wisdom from God. To the men, I guess you just need to understand her better.”

Ahyour said: … I think that 'love' alone cannot sustain a relationship. I do not know of any living thing that withers and suffocates as easily as love. Love is like a flower - beautiful; water it 2 flourish or leave it 2 wither. What we mostly do is 2 get d flower, forgetting that d flower needs......

Doc said: … I've not been married for even a second, so my comments may not come from experience, but I believe marriage is God's ordained institution and He should always be kept as the third person of the relationship, by the partners individually and together. For those who fear Him, that should go a long way. There's a song the lyrics of which I love, but space. Keep up!.... I believe marriage is God's idea and to run it without Him and in conflict to His principles is a sure way to failure.

Omenai said: “Well it depends on the foundation of the marriage, marriage has its own ups & downs; it depends on how you handle it but with God marriage is the best institution ever created by God. So don't be scared to go into it. God will see u through.

Lyrics supplied by Doc:

What God Has Joined Together-By David&Rita Baroni

1. When a man and a woman; become husband and wife

They agree to love each other; for the rest of their lives

So when problems come between them; they’ll always be reminded

Of a promise they’ve ...made….

That what god has joined together; will not be put asunder

The storm that shakes the earth can’t tear it down

And what God has joined together; with a sure foundation under

It stands because it’s built on Holy Ground

2. When a family stands united; with God’s love and one accord

The harmony they live in; brings glory to the Lord

With trust and communication; the love they share will grow

It will weather all the storms because they know….

3. With the blood that Jesus shed; He purchased His bride

He showed how much He loved her by giving His life

When we join ourselves to Jesus; trust His love with all our heart

Then the pow’rs of hell itself can never draw us apart……

I say: I believe there is more…and there’s someone whose experience(s) really counts. I’m waiting. We are waiting. But in the meantime, stay in love.

Love you.

Is Marriage Really Scary? An SOS Call

2011-03-16T05:20:00.000-07:00

This thought has been on my mind for so long. Sure, it’s no news; people talk about it; I’ve seen some myself, so the talk about failed or failing marriages is not so new. What’s new to me however, is the fact that marriages that are just 2, 3 months are failing. It just so sad; and the truth? It scares me, really.

Someone shared with me a sad story recently, about a couple who got married barely 3 months ago and are on verge of breaking up. According to the story, they are having serious issues that the wife threatened to poison the husband if the marriage isn’t dissolved. Though, I didn’t hear the end of the story; but I hope and pray they won’t separate. I find it hard to believe that people who once professed love to themselves suddenly come to hate themselves…. Hmmm, thin line it is indeed between hate and love.

It then makes me wonder…if those that dated for so long – 2, 3, 5, even 10 years – could have problems; what do we make of those that dated for months – 3, 6, 9 months; those that were match-made; those that met online (**wink wink** if that really works); and so on?

Chaz B, radio personality, during one of his ‘Sharing Live Issues’ programmes asked married couples to call in and describe what love is… So many definitions came up that day; but two particular callers (ladies) caught my attention; the first one said “my husband is everything love is; he’s caring; god-fearing…blah, blah, blah. Then Chaz B asked, ‘how long have you been married’; she replied ‘3 months’; then Chaz B replied… ‘Let’s hope you’ll still say the same thing about him after 1 year’.

The second lady said ‘My husband is love because I don’t know how to explain how he can marry me knowing full well that I am HIV positive and he is negative; and 10 years down the line, he still has not changed…loves and adores me…’ Touching! 2 different worlds!

Also, during another of his programmes, he asked couples if they have ever contemplated leaving their marriages, and guess what? 90% of the callers that day answered in affirmative. Some have even left; many talked about their horrible experiences and much more… I can’t begin to type them here, but things are happening.

Recently reading TWFT and came across the article below. I believe it should help a bit. However, I will appreciate it if married couples can share their experiences so that youths, would-bes (like us) and newly weds can learn. Have you ever contemplated walking out of your marriage? If yes, what happened and how did you deal with the situation? You can post it on my blog – http://bukolaajayi.blogspot.com - (comment area) so you can remain anonymous or send to my box – bukolaajayi18@gmail.com. It is an SOS call especially to couples that are having hard times. Remember, counselling helps, prayer helps, people's experiences too have a part to play. Your stories will be edited and tweaked so as not to reflect the writer. Thanks.

>>> 2 Lessons about Marriage

"There may be times you'll feel like giving up…but I want you to hang in there!"

Lesson One

Deborah K. Johnson writes: 'My seven-year-old daughter wanted to take violin lessons, so I took her to a music store to rent an instrument. Hoping she would understand the importance of making a commitment to practice, I explained that lessons were expensive. I was willing to make the financial sacrifice if she promised to work hard. "There may be times you'll feel like giving up," I said, "but I want you to hang in there!" She nodded, understanding, then in her most serious voice she said, "It will be just like marriage, right, Mom?''

Lesson Two

A husband asked his wife, 'Tell me, dear, have you ever been in love before?' She thought for a moment and replied, 'No, darling. I once respected a man for his great intelligence. I admired another one for his remarkable courage. And I was captivated by yet another for his good looks and charm. But with you, well, how else could I explain it, except love?' Have you been finding fault with your mate instead of remembering the qualities that attracted you to them? Attitudes are like weeds, they spring up overnight and if you don't deal with them they take over the whole garden. Don't let that happen!

Next time you're too busy to show love, or you react in anger, read these words: 'Love is patient and kind. Love... does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged... Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance' (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NLT).

Because I Love You

2011-02-07T03:42:00.001-08:00

“If you give everything you own…and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but you do not love, you have gotten nowhere. No matter what you say, what you believe, and what you do, you are bankrupt without love”

Because I love you, I want you to know the meaning of my love and how deep it is. I want you to know that I am LOVE and I exude love and none can love you like I do, because my love is indescribable, unquantifiable, undeniable, and unconditional. Your money cannot buy my love. There is nothing you can do to make me love you less. Oh how much I love you. I have loved you before the world began and now that you are in the world, I still love you with an everlasting love.

What or who shall separate you from my love? Tragedy cannot; misfortune cannot; tribulations cannot; no one can…

And because I love you so so very much, I want you to love me back; and I want you to learn how to love – how to love yourself; your neighbours and me. I want you to know what it means to love…and as you proceed to tell that special one how much you love him or her in a week’s time, know these…

If you speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, you are nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.

If you speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if you have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but you don't love, you are nothing.

If you give everything you own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but you don't love, you have gotten nowhere. So, no matter what you say, what you believe, and what you do, you are bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up (patient);

Love cares more for others than for self (kind);

Love does not want what it does not have (contented);

Love does not strut (boast), does not have a swelled head (not proud);

Does not force itself on others (not jealous);

Isn't always "me first"(not selfish);

Does not fly off the handle (not rude);

Does not keep score of the sins of others;

Does not revel when others grovel (rejoices in truth and not in evil)

Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth;

Puts up with anything (supportive);

Trusts…;

Always looks for the best (loyal);

Never looks back, but keeps going to the end (hopeful);

Love never dies (never fails);

Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit….But for right now …we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God (faith), hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

Think on these things…as you express your love before, during and after Valentine’s Day.

Happy Val’s Day in advance.

The Best Husband

2011-01-27T01:26:00.000-08:00

Recently, I came across (again) the following verses of the Holy book and I was overwhelmed by its genuineness and command.

It reads: (How happy) Blessed is (the man) that fears (knows, respects, honours, serves) the LORD; that walks (listens to and obeys him) in His ways. For (he) shall eat the labour of (his) hands (be prosperous): happy (joyful, fulfilled) shall (he) be, it shall be well with (him). His wife shall be as a fruitful vine (spiritually, intellectually, biologically, physically, materially, financially, 'wisely', career-wise) by the sides of his house (giving moral, spiritual, intellectual, etc support to her husband): his children like olive plants (fulfilled, blessed and the best amongst equals) round about his table (he'll see them and see his grand/great children) - (Psalm 128: 1 -3).

This, I believe, is something all men (married or about to) should hold on to. A man who wants to be blessed and happy; who wants God to bless the work of his hands and rise to the highest level of cadre in his career; who wants to have a happy marriage; who wants a godly, beautiful, fruitful, brilliant, virtuous wife; who wants to see his godly and beautiful children, not just see them, but see them fulfilled; who wants to see his children's children; who wants to be called father even by children who are not his; who wants to be honoured; dignified; praised; who wants to exercise authority and dominion over the enemies; and a man who wants to be fulfilled in life will learn to fear and walk in the way of the Lord. How awesome.

Why a man? I asked. It has to be a man, because the man is the head - head of the home; king of the house. A representative of Christ. And the others - neck (that is, the wife) and the other parts of the body (children and relatives) will follow his leading. The way he rules (or direct) his home matters. Like Christians will want to have the mind of Christ (Philippians 2:5); so also the man's family will also want to follow his leading and examples. If he fears God and walks in His ways, then it is certain that he'd receive instructions from the Lord on how to be fulfilled and be the best in life...

A character in the movie - Why Did I get Married Too? - said "A happy wife makes a happy home". I totally agree with this saying and I want to add that: A godly man makes a happy wife, and a happy wife makes a happy husband, children and definitely a happy home.

So to the man, fear God and walk in His ways.

See you at the top.

Make Your Marriage Work

2010-12-22T02:38:00.000-08:00

"... No matter what I say... I'm bankrupt without love." - 1 Corinthians 13:3 TM

Awww… I smell Christmas already. And I’m sure we’re ready for the jollying and gifting. While there’ll be much to eat and drink, let’s not leave out the real meaning behind the season. Let’s show love to ALL around (and beyond); and let’s ensure we give those kinds of gifts that’ll especially cost us more. It costs God His ONLY son for us to have this season; so make this Christmas a one of its kind that when look back you’ll be happy you did what you did.

I enjoyed this message and I’m sure you will too, so I’m sharing it with y’all – married and single. Enjoy.

Former U.S. Education Secretary William Bennett attended a contemporary wedding where the bride and groom pledged in their vows to remain together, 'As long as love shall last.' Bennett said, 'I sent them paper plates as a wedding gift.' If you want to build a great marriage, one that will go the distance, you must concentrate on doing these four things:

1) Take responsibility for your own happiness. By blaming your mate you never have to face yourself honestly or change your own behaviour. That's a cop-out! Relationships aren't dumping grounds. Happiness is an inside job; it comes from having a healthy self-esteem and a growing relationship with God.

2) Be a friend. Ever notice how easily we accept our friends as they are yet have trouble doing that with the one we're married to? Look out, familiarity breeds contempt! Doesn't your partner deserve at least the same respect, loyalty, patience, gratitude and appreciation you give others?

3) Have a shared goal. You always need something to plan for and work toward together. Doing this will enrich your relationship and take it to higher levels. So, what's your next goal?

4) Have courage. Dr. Theodore Rubin says, 'The problem is not that there are problems, it is expecting otherwise; it's thinking that having problems is the problem!' There are no perfect situations in life. You need courage to face whatever comes, to realise that what you can't solve, you can out-last and out-love! So work on your marriage today!

Culled from TWFT

He Wants All of Her…

2010-12-09T02:27:00.000-08:00

As the phone rang, Ruth already knew who the caller was so she ignored it. This time she was determined to end the relationship forever. There is no going back. Even though it hurts; even though she loved Tolani so very much, she just had to let go.

It’s just 2 weeks to her wedding with Tolani…the invitation is out and they’ve already done the introduction, but she couldn’t take it anymore. The wedding just could not hold…

As she thought of this, tears began to stream down her eyes. She remembered how she met Tolani. Oh, such a handsome young man he is. Even though he is quiet, he’s in every way a charmer. On a certain day, it was visiting hours at the ‘C’ block girls’ hostel of the University of Ilorin, and Tolani was there to visit a jambite that came newly to his fellowship the previous night. He and another lady from his fellowship entered the block and were trying to locate the jambite’s room – apparently, the jambite didn’t fill the correct room number since she was new – so they knocked on every door until they got to Room 8, where Ruth stayed. Ruth answered, and fortunately, it was the jambite’s room. She allowed them in, and as they were discussing with the jambite, Ruth, who was reading a novel on her bed, was invited into the discussion by Tolani.

It started with: “Are you also a jambite?” And she replied with every sense of pride: “Nah nah, I’m a part 3 Geology student”. Tolani wondered why he hadn’t met her before then, being a 500level Engineering student himself. Then Tolani invited her to his fellowship; although she reluctantly accepted the invitation, but before Tolani graduated, Ruth became a strong member of the said fellowship and also became Tolani’s fiancée.

Their relationship was without a hitch in the first 6 months, but the problem started the moment Tolani graduated. So came the calls at strange hours. Initially, Ruth felt, well, it was probably love and the fact that Tolani wasn’t in School anymore, he missed her so.

The strange thing about his calls, however, was too many questions. Questions such as: “Where are you?”; “Why are you in the class at this hour?”; “Who is sitting by you in the class, taxi, etc?”; “Where are you going?”; Why are you not picking your calls; etc.

And then, statements such as: “If you’re in the room, then give the phone to your roommate” “Don’t go here or there”; “Don’t participate in this or that”; “I saw the way he looked at you in that picture, I believe he has something in mind”; don’t allow this person or that to visit you”; etc.

That was how it started, and now it is 5 years into their relationship, and 2 weeks to their wedding and Tolani has gone worse. He couldn’t bear to see any friend around her and he forbade her to work…saying he’d establish a business for her once they’re married. She couldn’t go out on her own, and if she did, by the time she’s getting to where she was going, Tolani was already there.

Ruth endured up to this point; but the worse scenario was on their introduction night, when one of Ruth’s long distance male cousins gave her a congratulatory hug; and the next thing she knew, Tolani was pounding the guy real hard in a physical fight. Almost everyone that interfered, even his parents, received insults from him. It was terrible that even his introduction cloth was torn in the cause of the fight.

The Possessive Sweetheart

Too bad Tolani has turned weird. Remembering how gentle and loving he is; how passionate and kind he is; Ruth was almost tempted to want to continue with the wedding. But, oh, she can’t bear to be in this bondage any longer. Enough is enough; she’s going away for good – where no one, not even Tolani will be able to reach her.

Yes, Tolani is rich, handsome, loving, kind, and even a born again…but Tolani is possessive. And that Ruth couldn’t put up with…anymore.

One of the biggest problems people report in their relationships is having a partner who is too possessive. Possessive behaviour is a sign that the relationship lacks trust or that the possessive person is very insecure. When you act possessive you are sending a clear message that you do not trust your partner and that you are handling that mistrust by being controlling.

While a possessive man is desperate to find a woman they can love and adore, once he has found her, he most often do not believe they can keep hold of her due to a lack of self-confidence, self-respect and self-belief. He does not truly believe he deserve her so he tries to subjugate her to rely on him and increase the woman's sense of dependency. It is all too common these days as more and more men feel uneasy about whom they truly are and lack self-esteem.

Every person in this world at some point of his time gets too possessive or obsessed about some thing/ person. For instance, kids are so possessive that they will not allow others to play with their toys.

In a relationship, possessiveness usually starts out slow but then begins to overshadow a relationship. Relationships touched by possessiveness can be suffocating, binding and in some cases, abusive. Possessiveness can lead to jealousy, which in turn, can lead to anger. Anger in an immature person or an abused victim can lead to physical outbursts and more abuse.

By being possessive, you are trying to take away the freedom of that other person. This creates insecurity for the partner, which ends up in misunderstandings.

Not Ownership but Partnership

Before possessiveness becomes an addiction, it should be suppressed. We should accept the truth that nothing in this world belongs to us. What did we bring to this world to take it back or own? Hence getting over attached to anything would lead to sadness, unhappiness and misery.

Although possessiveness has all the bad traits it is a bit sweet that someone is so important to us. You get possessive on a guy/girl when you care and love him/her immensely!!! It’s just a feeling. If not controlled, it may ruin or spoil the relationship...or your equation with that particular person at the least….A relation does not involve ownership. It requires partnership.

What then should you do, you ask? Run to God immediately for mercy.

Much love...and merry Christmas in advance. Make sure you find the real meaning of Christmas and express it.

Emotional Cheating - Unfaithful in Love

2010-11-10T04:14:00.000-08:00

Kate met James when she joined a new Accounting Firm two years ago, James was her supervisor and the first time they met, he actually struck her as a bit shy and withdrawn. But a few months into their working relationship, something changed. James started warming up to her with special attention; she warmed up to him too. Soon their conversations turned from work related issues to easy banter about everything personal and later it became flirtation. They shared many similar things in common, and they soon became inseparable.

She convinced herself that she wasn’t doing anything wrong; after all they were not having sex. And couldn’t she have a friend who happened to be male? She also told her husband about him, even sharing when they would meet for lunch. Her husband, who is very busy with a demanding job and hardly spends enough time at home, trusted her completely and didn’t raise an eyebrow.

In the midst of working full time and caring for her two children, e-mailing and talking with James felt like an innocent escape. James was always a call away to encourage her and guide her through difficult times; they spend hours talking on the phone and chatting on the internet. She increasingly found herself sharing more and more of her goals and dreams with James and was withdrawing from her husband more and more. Her conversation with her husband became very casual and it became only about the children and general issues.

She started looking forward to her regular interactions with James in a way that was all too consuming, and never missed her husband when he wasn’t around. It was James not her husband who was beginning to fill a key emotional need in her life. She was having an emotional affair.

Emotional cheating or infidelity often starts when you share intimate details of your life with someone else apart from your partner. The person probably makes you feel good and special and you like the feeling of affection you have when you are with them, you then begin to put the bulk of your emotions into the person’s hands.

The signs of an emotional infidelity may be more subtle than those of a sexual infidelity, and even if you never so much as touch him, this emotional attachment has just as much potential as a sexual fling to damage your relationship. When you save up your innermost thoughts, and interesting personal experiences to be spilled to the other guy instead of your spouse then you are doing your relationship harm and it’s not fair to your partner.

According to a relationship expert, emotional affairs are happening more often because so many of us feel emotionally isolated, Whether it’s because of our demanding jobs or the hours we spend on the Internet instead of with our families, friends, and communities, we’ve become increasingly distanced both physically and emotionally from other people, including our spouses. And when we’re not regularly sharing our lives and feelings with those close to us, we ultimately begin to fill their space with someone else.

To avoid emotional affair it is important to keeping members of the opposite sex out of your intimate life, find polite ways to stop your discussions from being too personal or intimate. Emotional affairs begin with personal discussions, and grow more intimate as time goes on.

Also, avoid regular, ongoing personal conversations with one particular person and watch who you talk to make sure you are not making deep emotional investments with the inappropriate person. It’s important to know that friendship with the opposite sex can become a problem when it becomes a replacement for a marriage, and also be careful of seemingly innocent actions such as dancing, kissing, or hugging members of the opposite sex.

Be honest with yourself if you are attracted to someone outside your marriage, be honest about the potential for an emotional affair and do something to stop it before it grows out of hand.

Emotional infidelity is rarely planned; it often arises from innocent friendships that went too far, that became too intimate.

The above experience is not limited to a particular sex.

Healthy Boundaries

* Limit television viewing and avoid watching soap operas and movies that contain sexual content and extra-marital affairs.

* Be careful where you go on the Internet. Avoid all forms of pornography. When active in chat rooms, be sure your spouse is around and keeps you accountable for your activities online.

* Avoid pornographic billboards. Take a different route, if needed.

* Be careful what novels you read. Many women choose not to read romance novels because they tend to compare their husband with the hero in the story and then they see that their husband doesn’t measure up.

* Limit your intake of magazines.

* Be on guard so you don’t develop an inappropriate relationship with someone besides your spouse, no matter how innocent you believe it to be.

* If you need to have a business meeting with someone of the opposite sex, consider bringing along your spouse or another co-worker. Avoid being alone together.

* Accountability partners are another way of having a check and balance system. If you find you are prone to slip, ask a good friend to hold you accountable. When you feel like you are headed for trouble -- call them to talk and pray together.

Willing to Stop

Instead of assuming or vowing emotional cheating will never happen to you, spend time with your partner. Have open and honest discussions about your relationship. Have fun together; the more you make your partner happy, the happier you will be!

Emotional cheating can make you forget why you love your partner in the first place! To stop infidelity, focus on why you first loved your partner….And if you can’t get out of it still, open up to your partner as well as run to God for help.

The story above was shared by a good friend of mine.

Trading Places?

2010-11-03T03:07:00.000-07:00

"... a good wife... is worth more than rubies." - Proverbs 31:10 NCV

Do you have any idea how hard your wife works to be a good mother?

Imagine this: Six dads are dropped on a desert island with one car and three kids each for six weeks. Each child will play two sports and take music or dance lessons. There's no fast food, and every man has to correct homework, help with science projects, cook meals, do laundry, budget for groceries, pay the bills without enough money, know the birthdays of friends and relatives and send cards. In addition, he has to take each kid for haircuts and to doctor and dentist appointments, bake cakes for school functions, plant flowers, and keep his home presentable at all times. He can only watch TV after the kids are in bed and his chores are done, and then he must have enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice. He should be well-groomed, go to church at least once a week, read to his kids, pray with them every night, pack their lunches and favourite snacks, fix breakfast, make sure they're dressed and on the school bus by 8.00 am. At the end of six weeks every guy will be tested on his child's height, weight, shoe size, favourite colour, song, drink, toy, and their biggest fear. And here's the best part-the winner gets to play the game over and over again for the next eighteen to twenty-one years!

So, do you still think you want to change places with your wife? The Bible says: '... go all out in your love for your wives... ' (Ephesians 5:25 TM) because 'a good wife... is worth more than rubies.' (Proverbs 31:10 NCV)

Culled from TWFT

I’m Tired of Waiting …

2010-10-12T04:57:00.000-07:00

Are you single and seriously searching? You’ve fasted, prayed, searched, and waited – now you’re frustrated because no suitor is coming. Almost all your mates, friends, colleagues and family members your mates or younger are married. People, including relatives, keep asking you when your turn is. They console you with words such as ‘it is your turn next’; ‘On your own day, the whole world will know my sister is getting married’; ‘Your time is coming soon’; etc.

Don’t be frustrated; God has not forgotten you. I repeat, God has not forgotten you! For the lady, your husband is still in a ‘deep sleep’ (Genesis 2:21) so that he can finish the work on you; and he’ll wake up soon to see the bone of his bones and flesh of his flesh; for the man, your wife is going through some process of purification and refining (Esther 2:9; 12-14). And by the time your partner will be unveiled, you’ll be glad you waited. Read this Excerpt from The Word for Today (Bob Gass).

What if you're single, looking for a mate and haven't found one yet? God created Eve specifically for Adam. 'Then... He brought her to the man. And Adam said: "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh…" '(Genesis 2:22-23 NKJV). When God brings you the right person, a spiritual and emotional bonding will take place. When you try to get ahead of Him you end up with regrets and recriminations. Peter de Vries explains it this way, 'The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but must live with a character.' So, wait on God!

When God looked across eternity He saw you. He gave you certain traits and abilities that make you unique. He knew exactly who you would need to help fulfil His purposes and develop the gifts He's given you. Until that happens, remember, He is your spiritual partner! He's been caring for you all along: protecting you, providing for you and directing your steps, right? So be careful how you treat Him. If you can't keep your vow to the Lord, it's doubtful you'll keep it to anybody else.

Speaking to those who are single, Paul writes, 'Let each one remain in the same calling in which he was called... Do not be concerned about it... rather use it' (1 Corinthians 7:20-21 NKJV). Stop wrestling with your singleness and use this time to develop your relationship with God. Never forget that one of the greatest visitations of the Holy Spirit happened to a single, small-town girl named Mary, proving that when you trust God's timing He always sends you the best!

Culled from The Word For Today - Marriage Rights Series (part 7).

Wife Beating: Ill-treatment or Discipline?

2010-10-12T02:26:00.000-07:00

Since October began, it's been one wedding ceremony to the other; first it was Tayo and Kunle (my platoon members and fellowship members in Imo (NYSC)); then it was Desola and Emmanuel (one of them is my church member). I pray God will bless and keep both unions.

Now to the question of the day: Is wife beating right or wrong? I want y'all to be the judge. Is it acceptable to beat ones wife no matter what she has done? Is it an act of discipline or an act of ridicule?

Throughout history unlucky women have been subjected to the whims and brutality of their husbands. The colloquial phrase "rule of thumb" is supposedly derived from the ancient right of a husband to discipline his wife with a rod "no thicker than his thumb." Some religion even permit it - while browsing through the internet, I found many articles on how to beat your wife (http://atheism.about.com/b/2004/04/02/how-to-beat-your-wife.htm; http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/HowTo:Beat_your_wife) and it made me wonder if it is really permissible.

In Nigeria, the statistics are enormous - we find a lot of homes experience domestic violence and most times the woman (or wife) is at the receiving end. I want to believe that this is stemming from the mentality that men, as the head of the family, have the right to put their homes in 'order' even if it includes beating to straighten up things.

And most these victimised women, who are sometimes beaten to death or to the point of landing in hospitals, often endure because they want to 'keep their marriages' or because of their children. This category of women even deny ever being abused (or beaten) for fear of being beaten again, to pretend as if their marriages have no itches or to protect the image of their husbands (especially when the man in question is perceived to be a person of great reputation in the public).

Most surprisingly, the wife is not the only one that will be affected. The children and even some family members get on the affective side too - either physically or emotionally.

In South Hadley, United States of America (US), Barbara, 30, a middle-class housewife, was first beaten by her husband when she was pregnant. Last summer Barbara's husband hurled a dinner plate across the kitchen at her. His aim was off. The plate shattered against the wall and a piece of it struck their four-year-old daughter in the face, blinding the child in one eye.

In Miami (US), Diane, 27, a receptionist, said she married "a real nice guy," a Dr. Jekyll who turned into Mr. Hyde a week after the wedding. "Being married to this man was like being a prisoner of war. I was not allowed to visit my family. I couldn't go out on my own. He wouldn't even let me cry. If I did, it started an 'episode.' "

Some of these women act in self-defence. They fight back and in return, the whole thing often gets bloody and messy. In this case, some of these women gets killed in the process as they are perceived as disrespectful by their partners - and that invariably wounds the ego of the man in question.

This case of marital abuse has been going on for years, and will no doubt continue even amongst the unborn generation.

Sometime last year, I boarded a bus to the office. While we were in a rush to enter the bus (because that was the only bus available at the park), I stepped on a man by mistake. After we had settled down in the bus, he raised the issue, and I told him I was sorry, but that such situations were inevitable, given the circumstances with which we boarded the bus. Before I knew what was happening, he had removed his belt and threatened to beat me if I ever say that again. I was so surprised and furious that I wanted to continue talking, but the people in the bus told me to stop, just to avoid his troubles and embarrassment. Till we got to the park in Ikeja, he didn't stop talking and threatening, that I was so sure his wife cannot mess around with him.

The questions are: Is this act that of discipline or maltreatment? Should this act continue? Should these women die in silence? If it is wrong, what can be done to curb it?

Oh, she can't fight back because she's weak. She was created with delicate features - soft, meek, gentle and small. Those delicate features are made so she will be able to carry another human being for the duration of 9 months or more; and if treated badly, could be damaged and irreparable. The pains of 9 months and that of the labour room are enough already - adding to those can be traumatising. The endurance of breastfeeding and the thinness it will bring to her shape is more than she can bear. She is not like a man whose bodily features are solid and strong - as hard as a rock. Her parts of body are so soft and subtle that they cannot stand punches.

Although she nags - yes she does so, because she's created to be highly emotional. That explains why she is the first to dance and jump in times of jubilation; she has the heart and time to care for the household; she understands; she hurts easily and cries often.

God, in His words, made me understand that when a man is joined (married) to his wife, both of them are no longer two, but ONE flesh. That maths is a mystery we can't unravel. And with it, I can simply point out that when a man beats his wife, he is beating himself. If the beating results to sickness, then the man too is sick; if death, then the man too is dead (maybe not physically, but emotionally, spiritually, etc). Because his wife is not a separate entity - she was taken out of the man. Both of them are one. But do these wife beaters have an understanding this?

In another place, God likened marriage between a man and woman to union between Christ and the church. Now, if the only way to correct a woman is to beat her, why has Christ not been beating or abusing the church?

I am of the school of thought that believes in correcting with love and not with violence. If God had wanted the man to use violence, he wouldn't have described the woman as a weaker vessel. It is saddening that this act is becoming so rampant. I so wish, all men can think of this - no matter how horrible a woman can be or turn into; there is only one way to get to this world, and it is through a woman's belly. That alone is enough for a man to not lift his hands no matter what his wife (or any woman at that) has done.

I didn't write this because I am a woman. If I was a man, I'd have written the same. My bottom line is no human being deserves to be abused physically or emotionally. A woman should be cautious of how she talks to her husband during misunderstandings and she should, most importantly know when to stop and how to say 'I'm sorry' no matter who is wrong. That's the way to be at peace... And a man should learn ways of correcting the woman, other than beating (or sexual abuse).

God will keep our marriages...I still await your responses and opinions, however.

Love.

...For Mama

2010-09-14T08:03:00.000-07:00

I feel, since this blog is tagged 'Relationships', writing about my family, friends, colleagues, etc...and expressing my love for them wouldn't be a crime. In a way, I kind of have relationship with them. I only that I won't be seen as partial with what I'm about to do. I'm writing a poem for mama, who'll be a year older tomorrow (15th, September).

And this poem is dedicated to all the mamas in the world...with love.

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Dearest Mama,

I just write to let you know
What's on my mind
Bringing me to the world with groans
I can imagine what it's like

For the seeds of love you've sown
You're one of a kind
For the toughest times you've known
It's fresh in my mind

For the times I don't listen to you
You love me still
And the times that I trouble you
You keep loving me

Oh! and the times that I fell sick
You knew no sleep
Or the times that I weep
You weep and weep

And those times that I'm lost
You are on your feet
Even at times of failures
You believe in me

For all my mistakes
You have an answer
And all my pains
You find the healer

I remember when I really cried
Oh how you cried too
And when I laughed
I see you laugh too

You never want to see me sad
It makes you seem a failure
And when I'm so sad
Your encouragement stands sure

You see me as the best
Especially when I don't see
You say I'm better than the rest
That you're proud of me

A mother like the one I want to be
How could I ever, thank you enough?
Through your examples to me
I've learned to be strong and tough

You taught me how to stand up for myself
When life brings its ups and downs
Taught me the best value in life
And how to stand really strong

Each year I'm extra happy on your birthday
it reminds me of God's gift to me
I want to celebrate you day by day
a mum, and friend who's always there for me

To say that I love you so
Is not enough to show
How much my love goes
For you and you alone

Dearest mama
Happy birthday...
May the good Lord
Keep you day by day

May you live long
To eat the fruit of your doings
In laughter and joy
In your goings and comings

Lots of Love...

Valuing Others

2010-08-17T02:36:00.000-07:00

"... love your neighbour...” - Mark 12:31 NKJV

“By truly valuing others... you believe in them before they believe in you, serve them before they serve you, love them before they love you, and give to them without expecting anything in return”

There are two things we should never do.: First, to expect to feel fully at home in this world, because '... we are citizens of heaven... ' (Philippians 3:20 NLT), and second, to become so heavenly minded that we are no earthly use. The 'salt' and 'light' principles Jesus taught call for us to influence and illuminate others for good and for God. That means taking responsibility to do things better at home, on the job, and in all our dealings. If the only people you show genuine care for are in your church, your salt isn't flavouring and your light isn't dispelling darkness.

Christ's command to 'Love your neighbour' includes the less-than-lovable. And you only love others when you add value to their lives! You may ask, 'How do I do that?' Here are four suggestions. First, by truly valuing them. That calls for believing in them before they believe in you, serving them before they serve you, loving them before they love you, and giving to them without expecting anything in return. Second, by making yourself more valuable. You can't give what you don't have, so you must earn and grow in order to give and guide. Third, by knowing what they value. What happens when you're interested only in your own agenda?

You know very little about the people around you. Make others' priorities your priorities. Ask to hear their stories. Discover their hopes and dreams. Make their success part of your mission.

Finally, by doing things that God values. When your life is done, what will you have lived for? Eventually, everything on earth will turn to dust - including you! So give yourself to things that will last beyond your lifetime.

Source: The Word For Today

Small Misunderstandings, Great Consequences

2010-07-13T03:42:00.000-07:00

A friend sent me this touching story, and I've decided to share. Though it's lengthy, it's full of lessons. Please take your time to read and grasp the morals of the story. Thanks.

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Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today. I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother".

Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to test on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets. Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.

Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get used to it". Mother stopped saying anything.

But every time thereafter, whenever I came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it.. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it." There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.

Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest. As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and I’m exhausted from a long day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes.

From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again. One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me.... I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?" After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house.

During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please. In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work. That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.

The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I could not. I threw down the bowl, rushed into the washroom, and vomited everything out. Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes... I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really did not mean it.

We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at then low point in my life. Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go and see a doctor." The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant.

Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day? At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart. I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me around in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight?

Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket. That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again.

The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a terrible accident and is now in the hospital." I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless. I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My God, how could this happen?

Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her... I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarrelled, if.... In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother.

Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self-pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all.

Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart. One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me, challenging me. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me. That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each other.

He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished. I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death.

One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine. As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there. After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him. "LD, are you pregnant?" Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other. Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me. I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scars in our hearts. For me, it's unintentional; for him, totally intentional. I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated.

Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart. Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet... This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time I cared for him and am concerned because there was love, but now, what is there between us? Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing but I continuously ignored him.

Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing but none of that matters to me anymore.

It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the journey to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did? He held the delivery suite door open and watched me go in; his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain. Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand. Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his.... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment. Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when he first discovered he had cancer.

Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral."

I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me. Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son: "Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now.... I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no longer has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion ... Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through life journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most...." From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.

Hubby has also written a letter for me: "My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby.... My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me... These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging..."

Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..." He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through the air as tears slowly rolled down my face.... A fatal misunderstanding and the person who loves me the most in this world is gone forever...." Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our originals intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, everything became too late."

This is a true story.

Moral of the Story - DO NOT EVER HOLD ON TO OFFENCES!!!

I am totally speechless, this story brought tears to my eyes as I read through each line eager to know what would happen next. It truly showed the devastating power of grudges and anger! Simple humility and communication would have resolved most of the problems in that story, as well as patience..... This story has really touched my heart and life as a whole and it has stimulated a paradigm shift. Though it is very sad, it is also very refreshing to know that from today, I can consciously start to live a life free of grudge.

Learn to live a life devoid of grudge. Communication is the key.

A Bleeding Heart

2010-06-24T05:40:00.000-07:00

On a sunny day, the other day

I met a friend, our friend

Who was sure, arrogantly sure

That you are in my house, our house

Preparing that wonderful meal, our meal

Even this never be

Friends do tell me

You have now a good man, a good life

And here on my bed

I recall still every word you said

Words with memories, memories of joy

But every time I tried to let go of you

The more I think of you

Every time I tried to move on

The difficult it becomes

So I ask,

Could you be meant for me

Could I be blind to see it

Could we be sure of nothing in common

What if we were wrong about everything

Can we change anything

Again I ask,

Could that be my baby you are feeding

Could that be my clothes you are wearing

Could that be my home you come to everyday

What if we’ve taken the wrong way

Can we go back the right way

Where are the answers

In whose heart are the answers lurking

PS: God has a divine arrangement that often bring us to our "missing ribs." the simplicity of the process, procrastination and the fear of making commitments make us misuse the opportunity in some cases. We allow the person to slip right through our grasp and walk out of our life. When it's time for us to move on, we find out that we are still attached to the person we didn't really value before and cannot really make amends because everything is now out of our control. This then prompt us to start asking questions; questions that we alone can answer....

By Tunji Ogunjimi

***This poem forms part of the comments for my last article: 'Should I Take the Risk?'

Re:[Relationships] Should I Take the Risk?

2010-06-08T06:03:00.000-07:00

Well, I sincerely didn't think I'd get a response, not to talk of getting someone approve what I wrote about taking some relationship risks. However, I did get this touching and inspiring story (or comment) and I have decided to share (with the person's approval) although the person pleaded anonymity. Please read on. I'm sure it will touch you as it touched me.

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Bukola, I am proud of you.

Has it ever crossed your mind that this might just be what God is calling you to.

You have a unique way of writing that sinks well with a Niger mind.

Keep it up girlfriend.

Oh and that of Ruth………….lol. well sometimes we(ladies) have to take risk however stylishly but not deceitfully.

When a guy hangs around you too long without saying anything, there is no harm in asking him what he wants.

Some times we sisters have to be bold (culture and religion not withstanding)

Before my Husband finally wooed me he started coming around asking me out for a date and getting to close for comfort. Lol

But he wasn’t saying anything so one day we went out on a date and I gave him his shocker of his life. I asked him “what do you want from me”

He later confessed that on that day he thought “what boldness” I guess that is one of the things he admires about me lol

Well to tell the truth that boldness came from a bitter experience I had with my ‘ex’

We’ve been on for about a year and I was noticing some nonchalant attitude I confronted him about it and I had the shocker it took me years to recover from. He told me we didn’t have anything going because we didn’t define the relationship and as far as he is concerned we should just remain friends. Oooh how I cried. In my life no guy has ever told me off and I guess that was more painful than the break up itself. Although he ate his word four (4) years later but then God has already given me someone better.

To the ladies:

· Never assume you have anything going if the relationship is not defined

· Never settle for “let’s see how it goes” it either he’s dating you, courting you or just platonic friendship with both parties aware of your stand per time.

· A little boldness will not hurt. It your life/heart we are talking about here and when it is shattered the pieces are left for you to pick up

· Place value on yourself

· And finally “GET A LIFE” a man is not what makes you complete, rather your being complete is most time the major attraction

I think I’ve said too much already. lol

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I'm touched! How about you?

Should I Take the Risk?

2010-05-27T03:47:00.000-07:00

Risk is something most of us don't like taking but the truth is it is all around us. Life is a risk itself! If we have ever thought of the risk involved in sleeping and possibly not waking up, we won't be sleeping at all - because waking up or not is a 50-50 chance. It's not guaranteed! How about the risk involved in investment? This too is a probability - what we're investing in may or may not yield high returns but we still invest anyway.

In like manner, relationships too are full of risks. Someone once told me that some unmarried guys are afraid of commitments. I've also read somewhere where a lady openly confessed her fears for commitment...well that's understandable considering the separation/divorce rate in marriage. But then, shouldn't you still take the risk and see if yours will work out?

What I find a little bit absurd is the fact that some cannot even take the risk of wooing (or toasting) a lady they like for fear of being rejected. I mean, that's something else. And for the ladies, how many of us can dare to be like 'Ruth', who went after the person she liked even if it meant sleeping at his feet? Yeah, I know...our culture and religion does not permit a woman to woo. But let me ask, should we die in silence even if you know the person is the right one? What's stopping a woman from risking it? I mean, the worst case is she'll be seen as cheap ( and probably uncultured). But if that's who she wants and she's convinced (prayerfully now), what is stopping her? Culture, religion! Hmmmmmmmmm.

You may think, Bukola has gone weird now with this her write ups...but read this:

A story was told of a lady who at first had a crush on a guy in her neighbourhood when they were young. Fortunately (or unfortunately) they were very close. Gradually, the crush turned to love and the guy didn't show her he hated her as well. But he didn't ask her out. As time went on the guy had to go somewhere to school (university) and the lady too went to a different school. They graduated from their respective schools - still very good friends, still keeping in touch - but the guy still did not ask her out! It went on like that for years until the lady's parent started drawing her attention to the fact that she wasn't getting any younger. Suitors were coming for her, but she kept turning them down; 'faithing' it that one day her childhood love would speak up. After all, they were so close there was no secret between them, it was only natural for him to be her husband.

This went on until she was 32, and her childhood love, though not married himself, yet refused to ask for her hand in marriage. Then came this other guy, who would do anything just to have her as his. With family and friends pressuring her to accept the huge proposal, she gave in finally, although her heart belonged to someone else. Then came the big wedding and childhood friend was invited. He arrived 2 days to the wedding (with mixed feelings) and went straight to the lady's house (since they were very close). After catching up on old times and all, the lady couldn't hold it any longer. Then she opened up. Told him: 'It would have been you!'. Dropped like a bomb shell, the guy too admitted he had feelings for her, but was thinking she was like her sister and that he doesn't want to destroy the brotherly relationship they had. Nonsense! But too bad the wedding had to go on. This lady got married, has 2 kids now, even though her heart still belonged to her childhood love. The childhood love, on the other hand is yet to get married with the belief that the lady might still come back to her. So sad.

Although some religious organisations help in wooing (as long as you're convinced the person is right for you and have prayed seriously about it). But what if you wish to take the risk yourself (especially for ladies)? That lady's case would have been reversed if she had spoken up or told someone to help talk to the guy. Maybe then the guy would gain courage to express himself.

I'm just thinking out loud. I may be wrong, and we can't dispute the fact that I may also be right. I'm not imposing this on anyone, and that's the reason the heading is a question. Like Ben Carson wrote in the book 'Take the Risk':

- What is the WORST that could happen if a lady PROPOSES to a guy?
- What is the BEST that could result should she PROPOSE?
- What is the WORST that could happen if she DOES NOT PROPOSE?
- What is the BEST that could result is she DOES NOT PROPOSE?

Like I said, I'm just thinking out loud. Writing this is even a risk for me, because already I know what some people will be thinking after reading this. But life is a risk, and I'm taking it. So I'll take the risk of posting this no matter what.

Your comments will be highly appreciated.

Love.

Occasionally...

2010-05-25T03:08:00.000-07:00

I've not blogged since forever...been busy actually. But I'll resume soon.

In the meantime, I'd drop these poems for you. Might be posting it occasionally - that's if the writer will be sending them to me.

Although, I'm not good at writing poems, but I appreciate good once when I read them and I'm sure you'd appreciate this too.

Enjoy...

Mary Slessor
a love
that never ends
begins with friendship
that never melts
firm always will it remain
irrespective of separation or distance

he thanks you
for the good things you said
for the better things you did
for the best times you shared

the flame of love of love
you ignited in him
will keep burning
the vision of you
planted in his brain
still remains
and always will remain
never aging
never fading
cause in you
he once saw love
and in you
he still sees love
(April 2005)
PS: in appreciation of the woman in human

Wisdom of words
there was a lady
i met in Abia
where hunger is
the order of the day

why i had to leave her
only God Almighty knows
for she could turn
stone to bread
and water to wine
but words have no wisdom
when its time
to say goodbye
(7 March 2003)

PS: hunger represents loneliness, stone - boredom, bread - satisfying / fulfilling friendship, water - unusual tranquillity, serenity and wine - merriment, laughter

Writer pleaded anonymity!

Code Cake

2010-05-25T02:57:00.000-07:00

Saw it on Gizmodo.com, loved it ad posted it here. How would it feel like to have a tech cake for your wedding?

Pity the poor baker who had to ice USB logos, smiley-emoticons, power symbols, @ signs and all that syntax. Guess it was easier than icing...

Tips on Sustaining Long Distance Relationships

2010-05-03T06:40:00.000-07:00

In today's culture of electronic communication and easy access to airplanes, relationship expert says it is fairly simple to maintain a long-distance romance—at least for a little while. While distance can make the heart grow fonder, an expert says there are five rules every couple in a long-distance romance should follow if they want their love to thrive.

The 5 Rules of Long-Distance Relationships:

* See each other frequently. Do not let more than two weeks go by without seeing each other. Certainly not a month!

* Talk on the phone everyday. Have a set time when you call each other, according to the expert. “That way, you build your partner into your life and schedule."

* Don't overdo the phone calls. Better to speak everyday for half an hour than twice a week for two hours. "If you overdo the phone calls, you are left with not enough to discover and uncover about each other once you actually meet."

* Make your reunion special. Plan a special dinner or buy a special gift when you reunite. You just need to show you've been pinning for them, you've been longing for them, you've been lusting for them.

* Decide who will give up their job and move. If the relationship gets serious, then marriage needs to take place and someone has to leave their job and move closer to the other. "Long-distance relationships all work provided that there is someone who is prepared to move after you marry." "It's wrong to ask someone to move and give up a job with out any real commitment."

Shmuley’s Quote

"Better to marry the right person in the wrong place than the wrong person in the right place. And, better to marry the right person at the wrong time than the wrong person at the right time."

Source: Rabbi Shmuley Boteach on Oprah.com

Why Did I Get Married?

2010-04-13T09:26:00.000-07:00

I really enjoy seeing African-Americans movies, and this particular film is no exception. In fact, I can’t stop watching it and I can’t wait to see ‘Why Did I Get Married too’.

Really, Tyler Perry got me hooked on this one, that after seeing it several times, I was able to sift one or more things from it and I’d like to share them here.

Before I share what I learnt, let me give a synopsis of the movie…There are four couples who go on an annual one week vacation – more like a reunion. During this vacation, they reconnect, talk, pray, iron out issues and so on – but this vacation opened up secrets that they’ve all bottled up. Secrets that made them ask such question as ‘Why did I Get Married?’

I’m going to be looking at the couple one after the other…

Mike & Sheila (Richard T. Jones & Jill Scott)

The problem with this couple is Sheila’s stature. Sheila is on the fat side but Mike just couldn’t live with that! And so he insults her at every opportunity he could find. This gave Sheila a very low self esteem and all she could ever do was blame herself for Mike’s hatred towards her.

I sensed a lot of communication gap here, irrelevant excuses for infidelity and the love was one-sided. Sheila was the one in-love and was willing to make the marriage work – even if it means giving up her seat in the plane and driving up alone on a snowy road in the dark of the night. That, to me is, crazy. But love endures all things.

Lesson: Love and love still, you might get hurt, but it’s the best way to live life to the full. Sheila endured all for love. Although she was hurt – Mike duped and ditched her – but at the end she found a far better love in Troy (Lamman Rucker).

Marcus & Angela (Michael Jai White & Tasha Smith)

Ah! This crazy couple…They made me laugh all through the movie. I enjoyed them most. They scream, shout, insult themselves – and they cheat themselves. But the good thing, they love themselves in their own way. Theirs might not be the ‘romantic’ kind of love, as they always have things to fight about, but they are no doubt in love.

Some of their problems included lying and infidelity. However, they know themselves too well – in fact more than the other couples – No wonder Angela could tell Marcus’ language when he is lying, she knows he’d say “You know what I’m saying…” I also see a lot of pride in Angela. She owned the business and Marcus worked for her, and this brought about statements such as “You work for me…”; “If you are able to get a mortgage, I’d drink to that…” etc.

Lesson: Real communication, trust, understanding and submissiveness (on the part of the wife, no matter how wealthy she is) can do a lot of good in any relationship. Not until this couple learnt to communicate as adult, trust and understand themselves did they have a great union. Although, they still had streaks of madness in them, but they’ve learnt to behave when a serious issue arises. They also learnt giving up some things as drinking, foul languages, etc…and it worked for them.

Terry & Diane (Tyler Perry & Sharon Leal)

This couple, I see as great communicators and friends. Unfortunately, despite their being friends and great communicators, they still kept things from themselves. I also see Diane as too career freak and selfish, who cares for nothing but her ‘best in town’ law firm. She’s so selfish that she forgot her husband’s birthday! This kind of thing is common among educated wives/mothers – especially if they are fortunate to hold high posts in their offices – then the home front begins to suffer.

Diane’s continuous late nights and inability to take her responsibilities – as a wife and mother – seriously, caused Terry (Tyler) and their child a lot of aches.

Lesson: If you love something so very much, but it hurts, set it free. If it comes back to you, it yours, if it doesn’t come back to you, then it was never meant to be yours. You do not have to file for divorce. If you’ve tried communication and it isn’t working, try letting the person be for a while. Separation and Divorce are NO options here. Leaving the other party to be doesn’t mean you’ve stopped loving them, you’re only giving them room to think things through. And while doing that, do a lot of PRAYER for yourself and your partner, that way God will restore your reasoning and marriage. This worked for Terry. Also, Diane learnt how to confront her fears and deal with her bad…and she got her Terry back!

Gavin & Patricia (Malik Yoba & Janet Jackson)

And here comes the supposedly perfect couple. This couple looked happy and in love. They seemed the perfect one, ready to advise their friends on how to make their marriages work. They claimed to know a lot of ‘Don’ts’ and ‘Dos’ in marriages and that such have helped their marriage. Patricia (Janet), a successful self-help psychologist and writer, always has answers for marital challenges. Unknown to her, there are deep flaws in her seemingly perfect marriage. Her Gavin saw her as imperfect for causing the death of their only child, but he kept it to himself because he doesn’t want her thinking he’d stopped loving her.

When the secret was revealed, Patricia couldn’t believe that with all her perfectionist nature and faithfulness to their marriage, her husband is capable of abhorring a tiny bit of resentment towards her. She was so devastated and disappointed. But Gavin, oh Gavin knew how to love. When Gavin wanted to make his wife see reasons with him and make her know he hasn’t stopped loving her, he did it with such passion, gentleness and love that I felt like crying and loving at the same time…lol.

Lesson: Give room for learning more – Patricia was so sure she knew it all – but the truth is, no one is perfect. Attaining perfection is an everyday thing – and while working out perfection, give room for mistakes that you can learn from. Also, two wrongs can’t make a right. When fighting, fight fairly…no names calling, no blames sharing – if there’s a misunderstanding; sort it out without looking for whose fault it is. That’s exactly Gavin’s character…and I’m so loving it.

Final Thoughts

There were lots of break-ups and make-ups; misunderstandings and understandings; weeping and laughing; lying, cheating, secrets and truths, repentance, open-ups. There was even complete break-up! Also, there were also attitude problems and esteem issues - typical family problems; but love, communication, remorse and repentance, forgiveness (no matter how bad the bad is) and most importantly, God saw them through it all.

Such a beautiful story!

Endurance Trek or Enjoyable Ride?

2010-03-30T04:47:00.000-07:00

One thrilling event in life is the wedding ceremony, because that’s the one you get to plan and handle yourself. It’s often filled with the ohs, ahs, and wow moments. It’s an event of colour, emotions, dreams, and it comes with such unforgettable memories. Whether it lasts or not.

But what happens after then? Then comes the moment of reality! This moment thrills the most; it’s when it dawns on you that there is no other soul around except the two of you – as Will Smith sang, ‘Just the Two of Us’. Hmmm. This moment is deeper than the colour-defined weddings or the ohs and ahs. From the first night, it’s just the two of you, in your own world, embracing your lives whether good or bad; sweet or bitter; pleasant or not.

And oh, it’s a journey of possibly no return (except in the case of death which we usually do not pray for). Even if you get divorced, it’ll still leave a mark; a mark that you were once married to a particular person – so it’s a journey of no return to being single, because there’ll always be an ‘ex-‘ attached to your name.

Let’s Think

However, how interesting is this journey? Is it one to treasure or one not to? Is the journey an endurance trek, run, move or an enjoyable ride?

It is kind of amazing to know the divorce rates in the world and in Nigeria. People seem to use divorce as a means of escape now. But escape to where or what? Loneliness, stigma, shame?

Some don’t even go for divorce. They live together and operate what is called the ‘Silence or Malice Syndrome’ for years. What seems to be the problem? Were they ever soulmates? Or was there never love at first, and marriage was just a way to satisfy urges, keep people from talking or escape the ageism syndrome?

Many wonder, we see some couples celebrate 25, 30, even 40 year wedding anniversaries. What? Did they ever want to separate, or divorce at some points in their lives? How did they make it to this point? What could have worked for them? Was it just love or other things?

We see some men of God still together with their wives and the glow. Do they ever have problems?

For the married, can your spouse look at you and confidently tell you I’ll marry you again and again, or is it the other way round?

For the unmarried, do you think you’d be happy with your soon to be spouse if ever marriage occurs?

What’s Enough?

Questions and questions, I can go on. But what is enough to make marriage work? What is enough to make it an enjoyable ride and not an endurance trek, which in most cases is often slow, boring, maiming, humiliating, ridiculing and so on.

I think love is not enough (yes, sure we have heard that times without number, now what?); attitude is not enough (which most don’t even work on despite being under so many lectures on it); money is not enough (many base love, relationships on this); background; position; title; colour; beauty; height; religion aren’t enough too. But God is all. God is love (we require this to go into marriage); God is attitude (manner, disposition, feeling, position, posture, action, emotion); God is money (silver and gold belong to him); God is everything – background (He gives the best that will be suitable for your relationship to work); position (He gives the one that will not bring conflict or pride): God is title (He’s the alpha and omega, omnipotent – he has all potentials and all titles and no man has the right to share in his glory; he also gives a spouse who’d love in humility, title or not); God is colour (He’s the God of the Jews and Gentiles; black and white – he doesn’t withhold his rain from even the wicked; he’s not partial; and all that He created is GOOD); God is everything. Dependence on him makes anything and everything stand. No wonder He’s referred to as the solid rock. All other ground – love alone, money alone, attitude alone, etc, without God – are sinking sand.

Esther’s first opportunity to be in the King’s court was met with favour – a night with the king was treasured and unforgettable – that the king was compelled to love her because she had everything, she had God.

My thoughts…

What's The Colour of My Date?

2010-03-02T04:30:00.000-08:00

I felt alienated when I shared a lift with 2 white kids at Atlantis Hotel in Palm Jumeira, Dubai recently. The kids almost collapsed in the lift just because I'm black...such poor understanding. But I see a lot of them on regular basis these days- at events, at my office - and they're not afraid to relate with me nor do they treat me as an alien. Oh, you'd say, it's because they're in my country. Well, maybe, but there are a few good ones who do not even care whether you're black or white. They'd love you all the same.

My status on Facebook read 'What is wrong with being black?' and I received some comments - ones that I agree with and ones that I do not totally support. There's something we call convention in Linguistics, and it simply means that there is nothing in a name that makes what the name represent what it is. Big, huh? Let me disambiguate. There is nothing in a football, for example, that makes it a football or that make us give it the name football. We are not calling it football because it's round and soft.

Naming is just a matter of idea, norm, tradition, hence convention. That means, there is nothing in this land that I live that make us give it the name Nigeria. The shrubs, vegetation, weather, people, language, etc, don't make it Nigeria. Nigeria is just an idea. What I'm saying here is, there is nothing in our colour that makes us black or white. The naming or classification is just a matter of convention. Being black, however, doesn't make me evil and being white doesn't make me good. It's all in the mind. It's all about you. Not your colour.

That makes me think, if my 2 younger ones, who are presently in England should just call me and say, 'Sis, I've just found the person I want to marry and he/she is white'...What will be my reaction? Well as a proper Yoruba girl now, I'd react a little but if they love each other, why not get married? The truth is...there is nothing wrong with being black or white (personal view).

I got into a discussion with mum a few months ago about one of my cousins who got married to a white man and mum was like the whole family already considered her (my cousin) lost to them. And I was like, since the guy agreed to come to Nigeria to wed her, it shows that she's not lost after all. It means the guy is genuinely in love with her. We read about countless of weddings that the couple will get married without the consent of the parents. They'd meet within 2 weeks and tie the knot. But this guy, after about 3 years of relationship, agreed to come to Nigeria to marry his wife properly. More so, they have a kid already. So, what's the fuss? (You can prove me wrong). Like I pointed out to mum, I just don't see why our colours should be a barrier to marriage...as long as he is a human being!

Prayer is what make all marriages stand and strong. We've seen people of same colour married and divorced after about 2 or 3 years. No marriage - whether between people of same colour or different colours - can stand without standing on the solid rock!

...Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness,...So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them...

I've never come across a description of God in the bible that says God is white or black. But he said let us make man in our image. Could mean, God is both black and white.

Out of curiosity, I ask now: What should be the colour your date or your fiance/e, husband or wife? Is it black or white? What say you?

When Is It Too Early To Change Your Facebook Relationship Status?

2010-02-16T08:18:00.000-08:00

Written by Debby Herbenick

You go out, you like each other, then you blow it by attempting to change your relationship status too soon. A resident love doctor explains how soon is too soon, and what other freaky behavior might ruin your good thing.

One week is way too soon to add the "in a relationship with" phrase that is simultaneously coveted and feared by Facebook users everywhere. So is one month unless you're already uber-committed in some love story kind of way. But that doesn't mean you have to play it so cool that you look like you're out on the Facebook prowl while spending your nights on date after date (or video chat after video chat).

If you find someone you can't resist, why not remove your "single" status? Or remove the Interested in men/women/men&women listing so that it doesn't appear to others that you're interested and available. And definitely switch out "what you're looking for" away from "random play" or "whatever you can get" to something like "friendship." Just please don't put "networking."

There are plenty of ways to use Facebook to signal that you are done looking—at least for now—while you give the relationship a chance. Just do not change your profile picture to a lovey dovey photo of you two. At least not until you know the other person is on board, too. Otherwise it is like the virtual equivalent of putting a framed photo of you two on your desk, even though you've only been out a few times.

If you're absolutely itching to become an official Facebook couple, talk to your like/love/lust interest about it first. Thank goodness the "in a relationship with" tool requires the other person to approve you first, but there's nothing to stop an over eager, OK creepy, person from uploading photos or writing elaborate notes about their dates. Heck, I even wound up recently with my profile photo on some dude's calendar of birthdays, even though we have never met or talked! Not cool.

If it's a relationship you hope will have any chance of working out, please tread carefully. Facebook is here to help not hurt, but it does take some pacing—and a little self-control.

Read more of Dr. Debby's love advice here (http://gizmodo.com/tag/drdebbysloveadvice/) during Gizmodo's Bad Valentine celebration.

Debby Herbenick, PhD is a Research Scientist and Associate Director of The Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University, a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute and author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction. She blogs at MySexProfessor.com.

'MONEY-TO' Valentine?

2010-02-08T02:41:00.000-08:00

When I was in the secondary school, we had a name for Valentine's day and it was 'Money-to, Money-to'. Only God knows how the name came to be or what triggered it. All I know is that whenever Valentine's day approached, we were quick to find a 'Money-to' partner or a Val partner, whom we will exchange gifts with on the day (despite being a girls only school).

It was, however, fun for us back then as we looked forward to who our Vals will be (because names were written in papers and folded for us to pick) and we looked for what our 'mysterious' gifts will be like. But that was it. The gifts! No attachments, feelings or any extras. And bingo! Val was over and it's also over between you and your mysterious Val partner.

But hey, come to think of it. If our Val's day in school was tagged 'Money-to', anybody could infer that money is somehow attached to the day and the day somehow attached to money (you know, for us back then). To us, Val's day meant money. You spend your little pocket money to get your mysterious partner a gift - since there is no other attachments (after all we were girls only). But now we know better....

In the real world, people get hooked up with a real Val partner - could be your wife, husband, fiancee or fiance - and feelings are shared. Hence, there are attachments. But, will the attachments be bought or appreciated with money (like we were doing back then in Queens')? I doubt that. Or did I hear some say yes? Puuleeaazzzee...Nah nah.

A colleague asked me what he could do for his fiancee this Val and I told him to do something stupid. (Don't ask! Cause the babe might be reading this).

If you're not married, how about putting a little 'ring' icing on her cake and asking for her hand in a dimly-lit restaurant in GRA?

Or bringing your whole family to hers without prior information and coming to do the real asking? (Sounds crazy, huh?) But it works more than money. It'll simply drive her....

And if you're married, would it be too much to book a room for 2 in a top-notch hotel in, say Nairobi, Accra or Sun City (with all expense paid by you and without informing him or her), just for the weekend? It's money, you say. Just think about it. It'll work.

Or would you just do the cooking and all for her while she takes your role as the man of the house...just to spoil her a little?

Or even take her to church that Sunday and while you're ministering (or something) announce to the whole church that you love her so very much (that it breaks your heart...lol).

Running out of romantic ideas? You could visit oprah.com, aol.com, askmen.com or about.com for ideas on Valentine's Day Ideas or Getaways.

And while you're at it, don't forget to send love wishes to the less privileged. They could do with that, you know.

Wish you a happy lovers' day in advance.

Love